Current mood:	distressed
Current music:	Rhinocerous - The Smashing Pumpkins
Entry tags:	assumptions, issues, people, talking

Some would call me selfish for this

Urgh.

There's someone I want to talk to so badly. There are so many things I want to say to them, or to ask them. I want to let them know that I and many other people will always be there for them and support them, no matter what happens or which path life takes them down. I want this so much, I can almost physically feel it. But I know I'll never be able to say what I want to say to them, or ask the questions I want to ask. It's not just nerves or shyness. It's way more complicated than that. It is all but impossible that I'll ever have the chance, and though I know I'll eventually accept that, right now it's really bothering me.

This is not someone I have a crush on. It's nothing like that. This is me wanting to reach out to someone who's been hurt by this world and the people in it many times, and who has lashed out on occasion with an almost palpable venom behind their words. I can understand where they're coming from--or so I tell myself--and I want to let them know that and lend my support, should they want or need it. I myself have never really felt that I could count on anyone like that, and I want to offer this person the thing that I more or less never experienced, even though I really wanted to.

I feel like such a selfish twat. There's no way I could possibly know this person as much as I tell myself I do. It's not like we've known each other forever. In all honesty, I can't even call us friends. All my "knowledge" of them is based off of my observations as an outsider looking in. They probably don't even need me--or anyone else--to "reach out" to them. For all I know, they've already come to terms with their position and purpose in the world, and are nothing like my melodramatic assumptions. I can't interpret their sporatic outbursts as proof that they're all bitterness and bile. Being at peace with oneself doesn't mean you never have the occasional relapse into not-so-peaceful emotions. It's human nature in action. My heartfelt plea for them to remember they're not alone would just embarrass us both, I'll bet.

Still, I can't shake this feeling. I really, really want to talk to them. If not to offer my support, then just to get to know them more and maybe even kick off a friendship. But that will never happen. Way too many things are standing in the way, and getting over all the obstacles would probably be more trouble than it's worth. They'd likely think me crazy, or worse, be completely put off by my efforts, like I was some weirdo poking my nose into things I have no business concerning myself over. That's the last thing I want them to think.

Someone help. I need to get my mind off of this. :(